Monday, 31 August 2015

Forever Your Warrior

On Wednesday 8th October 2014 at 9.45am I stood outside our Pediatricians office for 15 minutes before I plucked up the courage to go in, I walked in with my heart in my throat and with that mother's instinct of what I was about to be told. I sat down and Emersen played on the floor and I was nauseas. The Pediatrician turned to me and said "ok I have the results of Emersen's testing and it has confirmed what we have suspected Kylie" -our beautiful and funny little Emmie Girl was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder.

My heart plummeted and I sat there for 10 minutes sobbing, not for me and Andrew, but for our Emmie Girl, what the hell did this mean for her and her future (the crying for us and the anger came later that our only child was going to have challenges in life) I sat there staring at her thinking "why her, why my baby girl whom I fought so hard for for eight years" Our Pediatrician, sat there and talked me through a whole lot of stuff and to this day I still can't tell you what she said, I had to call her two days later and ask her to repeat it to me. I left the office, carrying Emersen with tears streaming down my face. I sat in the carpark not being able to drive and sobbed for what seemed like an eternity only to hear this sweet and divine voice from the back "Emmie be ok Mummy" well that was it, I was totally and utterly inconsolable. At this point I had still not been able to speak to tell my darling husband about his little Princess. He was gutted that he just could not have been with us. I called him but he knew by the fact that I couldn't speak, I wont say what he said to me or what he did cause it is not my place to talk about his heart and his reaction on his behalf.

To look at Emersen you would never think anything was amiss but to listen to her speech it is not where it should be BUT has come a very long way as we started speech therapy when she was three anyway. She recently had another assessment down and in 18 months her speech had gone from severely delayed to moderately delayed - our girl is kicking some serious butt!!! Emersen is considered high functioning and she is obviously verbal which we are truly grateful for and trust me when I say we are also very grateful that it is not life threatening, she is not in a wheel chair, having seizures or screaming, yelling and hitting but I was and still am some days angry that my only child has problems and yes I feel a bit selfish feeling like that due to the fact that there are so many children far worse off then Emersen BUT she is our only child and i just feel gutted, for her!!

The last ten months have been a rollercoaster and as we learn more and more about Autism we see the world differently and it certainly has opened our eyes to how amazing people who live with Autism truly are and we wouldn't change our Emmie Girl for the anything in the world. We are more in love with her now than we were the day she was born and I never thought that possible. Sure, we have wins and we have losses and there are times we have to pick our battles and there are days when I just sit and cry but those days are lessening. Emersen has taught us so much and I now know why we were blessed with only one child and that was because this precious, quirky, gorgeous little person was sent to us for a reason and mark my words I will fight and fight hard to help her and do what ever she needs to grow up to be an independent and amazing adult.

I was meant to be Emersen's mummy and I will be her WARRIOR. Kylie Maree xxx

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