Wednesday 18 March 2015

Ten Situations I Never Thought I’d Find Myself in as a Parent


    1. Listen to Jingle Bells on repeat for the duration of a forty-five minute car trip.   In the middle of March.  

    2. Toss my toddler a box of tampons to play with while at the library/supermarket/post office/any other place which toddlers wreak havoc - out of sheer desperation and the absence of any other source of entertainment. 

    3. Hide myself in the pantry whilst stuffing as many Tim Tams into my mouth as I can before my children realise I am missing. 
On average, this is about four.  Seven on a good day.

    4. Call in sick for work on a daycare day.  
Send my kid to daycare anyway. 
Stay in bed watching episodes of Offspring. Feel hideously guilty yet euphoric at the same time. 

    5. Crawl along on my hands and knees in Coles, searching for the dummy that my baby absentmindedly discarded.  
Momentarily consider giving my child the random dummy I found covered in fluff and dust and other contagions.  
Decide against.  Spend $12 on new dummy.  
Child refuses new dummy and screams the whole ride home.

    6. Wake up early to line up for the opening of an Aldi catalogue sale.  
Elbow other mothers aside in the hopes of nabbing a chalkboard table/trampoline/rainbow tights – or whatever is the current must have kid-related special.  End up spending hundreds on random items we may or may not use.  Emphasis on the ‘may not’.  

    7. Sit in the car for forty-five minutes, not moving, barely even breathing, because the toddler has fallen asleep just as we’ve pulled in the driveway.  The peace is worth it.  

    8. Given my kid a skittle to get in the car at the start of the day.  Given my kid two skittles to get out of the car at the end of the day.  
Eaten the rest of the skittles myself. 

    9. Trying to have a hushed argument with my husband in the car whilst listening to Hi-5.  Hi-5 is turned off in response to toddler misbehaviour and all I can hear in from the back is my child’s exasperated reply – Turn it back on, friggen hell!!! 

    10. The hours spent just watching my child sleep.  Enjoying hearing the little sounds they make as they breathe in and out.  The fear I’ve felt when listening to my child’s rattling breath and spluttering coughs when they are sick with the flu.  Watching them twist and flinch and smile and squirm in their sleep, resisting the urge to just pick them up and inhale them in all of their deliciousness.

    Can you totally relate?




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